July 2, 2008

Keepin' it Real (Real Southern)

The streetz of DC may be hard, but we are still an hour south of the Mason-Dixon Line.  One may be cautious, but must never forget his manners.  One must be a gentleman.  A Southern Gentleman.

The Colonel is a prime example.  He’s got it all; style, Southern belles, and a legendary chicken seasoning.  In order to be a Southern Gentleman, one must first and foremost dress as a Southern Gentleman.  Appearances trump behavior because it’s what’s on the outside that counts and I judge books by their cover.  The following steps are necessary:

  • Your shoes must be made of leather.  Leave your Converse’s at the skate park and get a job you smelly punk.
  • You will own seersucker.  Lots of it.  In multiple colors.  However, you can only wear it between Easter Weekend and Labor Day.
  • Speaking of Easter, you will look like a giant Easter egg.  Your shirts and pants should cover every pastel in the rainbow.  If you not comfortable enough with your sexuality to wear a bright pink shirt, it’s probably because you are a little gay on the inside and are ashamed of it. 
  • Absolutely no cargo pockets.  You are not in 7th grade.  You are not on an African safari.  You do not have lots of cargo.
  • Your hat will be made of straw.  It will be large enough to block the hot, hot Southern sun.  Baseball caps are acceptable as long as they don’t represent an actual sports franchise, and instead represent your favorite preppy animal (pony or croc).

Appearances are only 4/5’s of the battle.  If you want to land a Georgia Peach who rocks sundresses and pearls, you are going to need to act like a Southern Gentleman:

  • You will hold the door for all females.  Unless they are 200lbs.
  • You will hold the door for men to show your dominance over them.  If one man insists you go first, consider this an act of disrespect.  A holdout will ensue, with the weaker man eventually walking through the door first.
  • You will drink Bourbon Whiskey.  Not Scotch, not Irish, and definitely not Canadien whiskey.  You will drink it neat, straight up, or on the rocks.  With lower tier bourbons, it is acceptable to mix bourbon with Coke (NOT PEPSI YOU PEASANT) because Coke is from Georgia.
  • If you prefer beer, you will drink only Budweiser.  Don’t get me started again.
  • You will denounce the heathens of the northeast and the west coast.
  • You will wave flags.
  • You will embrace the right to bear arms and carry a revolver.  A gun will come in handy for any duels that may arise due to challenges regarding your manhood (such as the aforementioned door standout).

If you follow these steps, you most likely won’t even need body armor in DC.  The testosterone and dominance you exude will be enough to stop bullets in their tracks while simultaneously winning over every Sweet Potato Queen in a plantation sized radius.

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