June 17, 2008

One Coffee. Black. Like My Heart.

“Pumpkin Spice Latte.” “White Chocolate Mocha.” “Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream.”

What the fuck is up with the coffee industry? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MEN WHO ORDER THIS BULLSHIT?! You might as well order a coffee, with a side order of circle jerks. It was bad enough when men started putting “sweetener” and “cream” in their coffee, but “pumpkin spice?” “Chocolate Whipped Cream?” By the end of the decade, I won’t be surprised if coffee is served with potpourri and a free Coldplay CD.

I like my coffee like I like my women: black, strong, and chock full of stimulants. I can’t really imagine putting anything in my coffee, except maybe motor oil, scrap metal, or saw dust.

Attempt the following analogy:

Clint Eastwood is to Cigarillo

as

Corporate Male is to _______

a) Gay Butt Sex

b) Mochachino

c) BLACK COFFEE.

The correct and is “C,” BLACK COFFEE. When Clint Eastwood was pissed, he took a long, hard drag from one of the world’s worst tasting cigarillos, resulting in a grimace that could make an entire army crap their pants in unison.

When somebody at work gets on my ass, I pull a modern day Clint; I take a piping hot 12oz cup of dark Colombian pure, pound it like a shot, and give my enemy the stare of a lifetime. Now if I did this with a Vanilla Orange Spiced Low Fat Artificial Creamer Latte, I’d probably be demoted to secretary and told to go buy the office some muffins. But with my man caliber coffee, my enemy either retreats, defecates, or gives me a promotion on the grounds for being too badass.

There are three key areas a man should focus on when brewing a cup of joe.

  • Bitterness: The coffee will have no traces of sweetness. On a bitterness scale, it should be close to dandelions.
  • Consistency: Sludge is key. I’d suggest actually just melting the coffee grounds so you actually are drinking a coffee bean goo as opposed to actual coffee.
  • Color: Black. Black as night.

As a guide, your coffee should look somewhat like this if you were to spill it (on wildlife):

•