Andrew y Gaetano

The King.

Every time I crack open an ice cold Budweiser, my American heart beats one extra for Uncle Sam. When I try to brainstorm the most American companies, some cliches come to mind, like Coca Cola, McDonalds, and Nike. While these corporations are more recognized around the world, no company beats out Anheuser-Busch in patriotism.

The company’s story is the definition of the American Dream. A German immigrant with 21 brothers and sisters, Adolphus Busch loved two things: America and Beer. A Civil War vet, he and Eberhard Anheuser, worked hard to turn around a small, struggling brewery into the brewing giant Anheuser-Busch. While those in St. Louis enjoyed Budweiser, Busch dreamed of a national beer. Guided by American ingenuity, capitalism, and patriotism, he created rail-side ice houses, refrigerated railcars, and the pasteurization process in order to ensure everyone nation-wide could taste the American Dream right from a bottle.

Anheuser-Busch continues a tradition of American excellence. They account for 49% of all beer sales stateside. It is the fourth largest brewery in the world, yet it manages to do so by generating only 7% of its revenue outside our borders. Let me stress the importance of this stat. The three largest breweries (InBev, SABMiller, and Heineken) are global hodge-podges that buy up brands from all over the world, losing any sense of national identity. They are only bigger than Anheuser Busch because their products are sold on a more global basis, but AB keeps it real and generates 93% of sales in the US of A.

Well what about other American brewers you say? Miller is actually SABMiller, (South African Breweries). South Africa? I thought the only thing they were good at was being really, really racist, so what the hell does that have to do with beer? And Coors? Well Coors may merge with Miller in the hopes of combatting The King, so they are now the enemy as well.

And now InBev (Germans), the number one brewer in the world, wants to purchase this piece of American pie. Offering a 56 billion dollar buyout, Americans are wondering if one of the last true American logos will just become a cog in an empire that owns 200 other beer brands. Well I recall Adolphus leaving Germany, fighting for America, and dreaming of getting every Joe USA so drunk he shits himself.

Patriots, speak up against InBev and tell them to keep the German hands where they fucking belong: in Germany (or in scat porn videos).

www.savebudweiser.com

A Giant Among Men

Andre the Giant: Professional wrestler, talented athlete, legendary alcoholic (and apparently mad-hetero pimp from the pic below).

If I could get drunk with any man from the history books, it would be Andre (as long as I didn’t have to pick up the tab). Throughout the internets, numerous stories exist describing his insatiable appetite for the sauce.

Let’s start with the basics. He consumed approximately 7,000 calories a day, purely from alcohol. That’s 46 regular beers a day, assuming he drank only beer, which is far from the case. Holy.Fuck. I once drank 35 beers in a night, woke up on some steps, barfed in the street in front of a bus stop, then shit my pants. Yet The Giant still has 16 more beers on me on a night of “casual drinking.”

So now let’s get fucking serious. I dare ANYONE to find drinking stories (relating to amount) more epic that what I present below:

• Due to his size, he traveled in a personal trailer that was lined with tarps and filled with beer and ice. On the road, he averaged a case of beer every 90 minutes (1 beer every 3.75 minutes)
• Believe it or not, WWF rookie Hulk Hogan served as his beer bitch on the road. Whenever the bus ran low on beer, Andre bitched the Hulk into sprinting to the nearest store to return with more nectar. He further demeaned Hogan by throwing EVERY empty can at the back of his head.
• Andre claimed to need 2 liters of vodka, “just to feel warm on the inside.” That’s 44 shots of hard liquor.
• El Gigante was given a case of plum wine for performing in Japan. He drank it in four hours. That’s 16 bottles of wine, which comes to 64 glasses of wine, one every 3.75 minutes (again).
  
• Saddened by public transportation’s inability to house his masculine frame (and drunk after 75 beers), Andre hijacked a horse and carriage and stormed the streets of New York to get home from bars.
• While drinking with two other wrestlers, one jokingly hit ‘Dre in the face. Andre took offense, asked no questions, and dragged the two 250lb men out of the bar and into the ocean, holding their faces in the water while laughing in a drunken rage.
• Andre’s month long bar-tab at a London hotel was $40,000.
• At last call, Giant Andre told the bartender he “did not care to leave.” The fearful bartender said he could stay, as long as he kept drinking (believing he would eventually have to stop). Andre stayed until 5am, drinking 40 vodka tonics.

Throughout all these antics, he rarely passed out. The smallest feat listed so far (a case in 90 minutes) would make the average person wake up in a pool of vomit, and make some people just never wake up at all. Andre did get drunk enough to pass out (ending up in the hallway of his hotel), after consuming a world record 119 beers in 6 hours, a beer every 3.02 minutes.

Andre was truly a giant among men. He gives the rest of us something to shoot for, putting purpose in our otherwise meaningless lives. I’ll be downing one for the Giant tonight. Thanks for the inspiration, Andre.

Hybrids

Ah, the Hybrid…vehicle of choice in San Fran, Europe, and GAYSVILLE. Hybrids are seriously not cool. Stop listening to chic Hollywood assholes like George Clooney. Have you seen what kind of car George Clooney drives? A TANGO. Don’t know what a Tango is? Look at this piece of shit:

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh man. I can fit both the profile and front view on one line. This car is truly a slap in the face to heterosexuality. Let’s be honest, this is really just a step up from that stupid car Fred Flintstone drove (except this one runs you over 100 grand). This thing fits one person and has trunk space for maybe three to four dildos (granted, the drivers of these cars are probably carrying BIG dildos).

Do you know what I drive? A thoroughbred American Jeep Grand Cherokee. I could probably fit five of these “Tangos” in my trunk. Imagine if my Jeep slammed head on into George Clooney’s Tango at 70mph (although Tangos probably have a top speed of 13-14 mph). I predict I would emerge from the crash unscathed while George Clooney would look something like this:

Which brings me to my next point: Men should only drive certain types of cars. SUVs (preferably American, but the Brits make some fine models. RAV4’s are NOT acceptable), Pickups, luxury sedans, or sports cars. SUVs and Pickups obviously rank supreme in manliness.  What’s manlier than:

• An 80 dollar tank of gas
• Blowing through that 80 dollar tank of gas in one week
• Driving 2ft higher than other drivers
• Having cargo space to carry a small army

I really can’t think of an answer, but Clint Eastwood may come close. I know what’s NOT the answer: HYBRIDS, you smelly hippies.

Street Tough: How to Survive on the Streetz

The streets can be a rough place. Here’s some pointers on how to defend yourself during the common mugging or beatdown.

The name of the game in street defence is distance. Your main priority when invloved in a street confrontation is to avoid your attacker’s reach as much as possible. Obviously, the easiest way to do this is to run. However, if you’re not  Tony Jaa, you may need to fight back. Again, you want to maximize the distance between you and your combatant as much as possible to avoid injury. In close hand-to-hand combat this can be achieved with any hard object on your person or in your immediate area: cell phone, ballpoint pen, bottle, or anything else that might extend your reach a few inches beyond that of your assailant. When you strike, aim for soft spots on and around the face (eyes, nose, neck). While he’s writhing on the ground in pain, say something like, “I NEVER LOOSE!”

How to Fight. On Ice. Part I.

Probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever done is one punching the goaltender of the Rochester Americans and hearing my own mother scold me above the jeers of drunken upstate New Yorkers.

So wheather you find yourself going toe to toe with Georges Laraque or taking exception to the deuschebag at public skate who thinks he’s a hockey player, I’m going to pass down the great wisdom of how to win a hockey fight as was bestowed upon me by one of the greatest fighters in the game, Nelson Burton.

Part I: Hockey Fight Etiquette

Before you drop the gloves there are a few tips and unspoken rules when squaring off.

Preparation: If you have a premeditated vendetta to settle and you know that you’re going to fight one of your openents, it doesn’t hurt to do a lil primping. First, secure the fighting strap on your jersey to your belt before the game or inbetween periods. It’s there for a reason. You don’t want to be one of those chumps who gets pummeled with his own shirt over his head. Second, spread vaseline on your face. It’s much easier to take a punch if knuckles glance off your greesy cheeks. Third, do NOT tape your fingers. This is very illegal and if you get caught you may be sitting out for much more than 5 minutes.

Dropping the gloves: Believe it or not there are rituals to going ape shit on ice. Before the punching begins, it’s always polite to ask, “Do you wanna go?” Sometimes when you’re lost for words, a lil’ tap on the back of the legs with your stick will get the same message across. When you drop your gloves and stick, make sure they end up someplace where you won’t trip over them. If you’re wearing a facemask, take your helmet off. Otherwise, you’ll look like a football player getting slapped around and that’s probably the most untough thing on earth. Also, right before you engage in combat, say something sporting and witty, like, “Pft. Good Luck.” Option: For tough guys feeling real tough, take you helmet off, place it on the ice, and spin it like a top. Then quickly knock the other guy senseless. As your getting escorted off the ice point to your helmet, which should still be spinning.

Nelson Burton holds records for most penalty minutes in a season in AHL and EHL. He played 8 games with the Washington Capitals in the NHL and earned 21 PIMS in those games. Legend has it that in his last fight he severely wounded a man when he punched though his oponent’s visor. Another reason why you should take your helmet off.