Andrew y Gaetano

How to Fight on Ice: Part II

Let’s review the ediquette steps from Part I:

1. Challenge your oponent to a duel of bare knuckled brawling.
2. Drop your stick and gloves and place them neatly in an non hazardous area.
3. Remove your helmet (optional)
4. Say something menacing like, “I’m going to bleed all over you.”

Now that you’re standing face to face with the enemy with naked fists burning with rage, you’re going to need a few pointers for the actually fighting. Because you’re on ice.

Unlike boxing, friction is not on your side when grounding your feet as you throw a punch, which is why grappling is key to gaining leverage with your blows and not getting your face mashed.

First, you want to gain a good hold of your opponent with your weaker punching hand. The best place to grab is the sleeve of his punching arm above the elbow. (Which arm is his strong arm? Look at the curve of his stick. Better yet, just assume that he’s right handed. How many southpaws do you know?) This grip will allow you to distance your head from his reach as well as prevent him from cocking back his hand for the haymaker. Again, gaining this hold should be PARAMOUNT. Never ever ever open your fight with a roundhouse or haymaker without grabbing your opponent first or you will end up like this chump.

(There is a technique for a quick knock out, but chances are you suck at standing on skates anyway so I’m not even going to tell you because I don’t want you to sprain a vagina or anything.)

Now that you’ve got a good grip on your combatant’s sweater you can start raining down fists with your free hand. When you get tired, pull your opponent close to you like you have a secret to tell, keeping your free hand between your bodies. As the refs try to break you two apart, throw an uppercut with the free hand. KO.

What this demonstration of captain Jarome Iginla sticking his neck out for his teammates. One of the best showing you how it’s done.

Keepin' it Real (Real Southern)

The streetz of DC may be hard, but we are still an hour south of the Mason-Dixon Line.  One may be cautious, but must never forget his manners.  One must be a gentleman.  A Southern Gentleman.

The Colonel is a prime example.  He’s got it all; style, Southern belles, and a legendary chicken seasoning.  In order to be a Southern Gentleman, one must first and foremost dress as a Southern Gentleman.  Appearances trump behavior because it’s what’s on the outside that counts and I judge books by their cover.  The following steps are necessary:

• Your shoes must be made of leather.  Leave your Converse’s at the skate park and get a job you smelly punk.
• You will own seersucker.  Lots of it.  In multiple colors.  However, you can only wear it between Easter Weekend and Labor Day.
• Speaking of Easter, you will look like a giant Easter egg.  Your shirts and pants should cover every pastel in the rainbow.  If you not comfortable enough with your sexuality to wear a bright pink shirt, it’s probably because you are a little gay on the inside and are ashamed of it. 
  
• Absolutely no cargo pockets.  You are not in 7th grade.  You are not on an African safari.  You do not have lots of cargo.
• Your hat will be made of straw.  It will be large enough to block the hot, hot Southern sun.  Baseball caps are acceptable as long as they don’t represent an actual sports franchise, and instead represent your favorite preppy animal (pony or croc).

Appearances are only 4/5’s of the battle.  If you want to land a Georgia Peach who rocks sundresses and pearls, you are going to need to act like a Southern Gentleman:

• You will hold the door for all females.  Unless they are 200lbs.
• You will hold the door for men to show your dominance over them.  If one man insists you go first, consider this an act of disrespect.  A holdout will ensue, with the weaker man eventually walking through the door first.
• You will drink Bourbon Whiskey.  Not Scotch, not Irish, and definitely not Canadien whiskey.  You will drink it neat, straight up, or on the rocks.  With lower tier bourbons, it is acceptable to mix bourbon with Coke (NOT PEPSI YOU PEASANT) because Coke is from Georgia.
• If you prefer beer, you will drink only Budweiser.  Don’t get me started again.
• You will denounce the heathens of the northeast and the west coast.
• You will wave flags.
• You will embrace the right to bear arms and carry a revolver.  A gun will come in handy for any duels that may arise due to challenges regarding your manhood (such as the aforementioned door standout).

If you follow these steps, you most likely won’t even need body armor in DC.  The testosterone and dominance you exude will be enough to stop bullets in their tracks while simultaneously winning over every Sweet Potato Queen in a plantation sized radius.

Street Tough: Surviving the Streetz of D.C. in Style

Don’t know if you heard the news, but your very own Supreme Court of the United States has legalized handgun sales and possession in the District of Columbia and we’ve been shooting off our pistolas in celebration ever since. Given the already high crime rate and D.C.’s long history of violence, this district just became the tough capital of the free world. However, it’s not always cool to show up to work or the bar with a hole in your sternum. So here are a few bulletproof threads that are cool alternatives to the 50cent SWAT look:

First off, Black Armor’s Covert Denim Jacket ($800) combines rugged Marlboro-Man style with full front, back, and side ballistic protection. It’s the perfect choice for the casual Friday bullet dodger. Next, Australia’s Duram Products has a natty, Belstaff-looking all weather jacket that can stop the rain as easily as it stops rounds from an AK-47. In a similar vein, Spycatcher of Knightsbridge offers their Weatherproof Disguised Bullet/Stab-Proof Jacket ($1,779), a sharp number that will strike just the right note as you stand over the corpses of your would-be assassins.

If you’re looking for an accessory that will truly save your hide, pick up Zahal’s Bullet Proof Briefcase ($490), a thick shield disguised as a mere laptop case. Countermeasures beat computers any day. We don’t like to think about it, but kids can catch a bullet as easily as anyone else. Thank goodness for Bullet Blocker’s My Child’s Pack ($175). Now little Georgie can walk home from school without fear.

For a more hip-hop look, you can always turn to the Defender Hoodie by Britan’s Bladerunner ($865). The other skate rats won’t mess with you when you put on one of these. Then again, you might want to go for the aristocratic rancher look. If so, Miguel Cabellero will have a lead-proof parka, riding jacket, or duster perfect for you.

Usually weddings are a time for celebration. But with every celebration, there’s a chance of things getting out of hand. Next time, wear USA Body Armor’s formal EnGarde Executive Vest ($865). Which would you rather be, Best Man or Last Man Standing? Spycatchers of Knightsbridge and Security Pro also offer executive waistcoats for the human target on the go.

Unfortunately, New Era has yet to release a bulletproof baseball cap. But let’s face it, if you have a fear getting shot in the head you should probably just move to San Francisco.

Tough Guy Competition

Tough Guy claims to be the world’s most demanding one day survival ordeal (second only to staring directly into Clint Eastwood’s eyes)

The original is organised in England by former British Army Officer Billy Wilson (Mr Mouse), who claims nobody has ever finished all the course according to his extremely demanding rules. Taking place at the end of January, Tough Guy consists of an eight country mile run including an assault course. Running the course involves risking barbed wire, cuts, scrapes, burns, hypothermia, acrophobia, claustrophobia, sprains, twists, joint dislocation and broken bones. Before running the course you must sign a “death warrant”, this states that you accept the risks and run the course of your own choice and can not claim in the case of injury.

At various points on the course and throughout the day, competitors are encouraged to shout “Yohimbe!”. The organiser, Mr Mouse, claimed in a 2007 newsletter that this is a Zulu battle cry meaning “My dick’s bigger than yours”, originating from the use of the bark of the Yohimbe tree as an erectile stimulant.

I will be sure to refer to the training guide at the Tough Guy Website while honing my toughnitude in my own dojo: Disipline 9: Fire of Hell

One Coffee. Black. Like My Heart.

“Pumpkin Spice Latte.” “White Chocolate Mocha.” “Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream.”

What the fuck is up with the coffee industry? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MEN WHO ORDER THIS BULLSHIT?! You might as well order a coffee, with a side order of circle jerks. It was bad enough when men started putting “sweetener” and “cream” in their coffee, but “pumpkin spice?” “Chocolate Whipped Cream?” By the end of the decade, I won’t be surprised if coffee is served with potpourri and a free Coldplay CD.

I like my coffee like I like my women: black, strong, and chock full of stimulants. I can’t really imagine putting anything in my coffee, except maybe motor oil, scrap metal, or saw dust.

Attempt the following analogy:

Clint Eastwood is to Cigarillo

as

Corporate Male is to _______

a) Gay Butt Sex

b) Mochachino

c) BLACK COFFEE.

The correct and is “C,” BLACK COFFEE. When Clint Eastwood was pissed, he took a long, hard drag from one of the world’s worst tasting cigarillos, resulting in a grimace that could make an entire army crap their pants in unison.

When somebody at work gets on my ass, I pull a modern day Clint; I take a piping hot 12oz cup of dark Colombian pure, pound it like a shot, and give my enemy the stare of a lifetime. Now if I did this with a Vanilla Orange Spiced Low Fat Artificial Creamer Latte, I’d probably be demoted to secretary and told to go buy the office some muffins. But with my man caliber coffee, my enemy either retreats, defecates, or gives me a promotion on the grounds for being too badass.

There are three key areas a man should focus on when brewing a cup of joe.

• Bitterness: The coffee will have no traces of sweetness. On a bitterness scale, it should be close to dandelions.
  
• Consistency: Sludge is key. I’d suggest actually just melting the coffee grounds so you actually are drinking a coffee bean goo as opposed to actual coffee.
• Color: Black. Black as night.
  

As a guide, your coffee should look somewhat like this if you were to spill it (on wildlife):

How to Shave with a Straight Razor

There is nothing more masculine than shaving with an open blade that can lop your head right off. I myself trim the whiskers with nothing less than a 10 inch katana blade. For those men of men looking for a badass way to keep that adam’s apple ungrizzled, follow these steps for shaving with an open straight razor:

Step 1: Lather.

What the fuck is lather? I like my shave how I like my Clint Eastwood quotes: dry and to the point. If you use cream, shut your face.

Step 2: The Straight Razor Shave.

Hold the razor securely by placing the pads of your index and second fingers on the shank, your thumb under the shank and against the shoulder, the handle raised vertically between your middle and ring fingers, and your ring and pinky fingers resting inside the crescent-shaped tang.

Using the fingers of your free hand, stretch the skin until it is as taut as possible. Hold the razor at a 30 degree angle to the surface of your skin and shave your first even stroke in the direction of hair growth. The “angle of the dangle” is your key to error-free shaving. Fewer than 30 degrees and you’ll rip the hair out by its root. More than 30 degrees and you’ll very likely slice yourself to ribbons. The only areas for which this rule doesn’t apply are the chin and upper lip. For these two trouble spots only, angle the back of the blade a little closer to your skin and proceed with caution.

Step 3: Squint into mirror.

Thanks to James Whittal, President of MensEssentials and author of “Miter Saws Are for Pussies”